What to do if your child can’t go to school
Information on school absences and school refusal.
Need to know
- There is a difference between occasional absences and school can’t (school refusal).
- Talking to their teacher early is an important part of supporting your child or young person.
School absences
If your child is sick or absent you should let the school know as soon as possible. You will need to tell them why your child can’t come to school. Each school will have a preferred way to do this. It may be by phone, email or via an app.
If you do not let the school know, they must contact you on the same day to make sure your child is safe. They may also call your emergency contacts.
Talk to your school if your child needs to take an extended period of time off and find out what work they can do to keep up with their learning and other ways to stay connected while they are away.
If your child has frequent unexplained absences, then their school will work with you to implement appropriate supports to assist your child and ensure they attend school every day and remain at school during school hours.
School refusal
Being the parent or carer of a student who won’t or can’t attend school can be incredibly challenging. It can put a strain on your relationship with them and on your family and home life.
You may be unsure about how to act in the best interests of your child or young person while at the same time offering them effective support. There are many things you can do to manage the situation and maintain a positive relationship. It’s also important to acknowledge your own feelings and to prioritise your own mental wellbeing.
Here’s everything you need to know about school refusal. Including signs, causes and implications, and resources and strategies for managing it.
What is school refusal?
School refusal is when a young person becomes very distressed and anxious about going to school, to the point that they won’t or can’t attend. For this reason, some students and families will use the term ‘school can’t’ instead of school refusal.
The signs of school refusal can include:
- distress before attending school
- health complaints
- skipping classes
- leaving school or
- repeated absences.
In some cases, the thought of attending school can cause physical symptoms such as vomiting, refusal to eat, shaking, or panic attacks.
What causes school refusal?
The reasons for school refusal are complex and it can start gradually or happen suddenly.
School refusal can be related to mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It can also be related to experiences such as difficulties at school, bullying, or major life events (such as separation, divorce, moving, being away from family or the death of a family member).
It can also be caused by worrying about slipping grades, keeping up with schoolwork or it can be a response to stress. This perspective emphasises the importance of understanding and reducing stressors to help students feel safe and supported. Taking this approach validates students’ experiences and aims to restore their capacity to attend school.
Understanding the reasons for school refusal helps everyone find better ways to support students and their families.
Common feelings for parents and carers
Being the parent or carer of a child or young person who refuses to go to school can be emotionally challenging. It can bring feelings of:
- Shock and disbelief that this is happening to your child or young person and family.
- Fear and worry about your child or young person’s future.
- Sadness for your child or young person.
- Loneliness and isolation.
- Guilt that you’re not doing ‘enough’.
- Fear of being judged by others.
- Confusion about what to do.
It’s crucial to acknowledge these feelings and to seek support if needed.
What can families do at home?
If your child or young person can’t or won’t go to school, you might worry about their future potential and social development. This situation can impact their academic progress and create a dilemma for parents and carers: should they be forceful or empathetic?
School refusal is often not recognised as a real issue, leading to stigma. Additionally, you may need to take time off work, reduce your hours, or leave your job, affecting your family’s finances and wellbeing.
There are many strategies for managing and supporting school refusal and what works is different for everyone.
Some strategies to help you manage school refusal
- Take each day as it comes and manage issues as they arise.
- Listen to your child or young person’s concerns and fears about going to school – issues can often be addressed if they’re understood.
- Establish a morning and evening routine for stability, including relaxation techniques like breathing exercises or meditation.
- If your child or young person is feeling sick, check it out with a doctor.
- If you’re worried about their mental health, then your doctor, school social worker or psychologists are great places to start.
- Encourage open conversation to improve communication with your child or young person.
- Being firm and kind in getting your child or young person to school regularly and on time will help, including not prolonging the goodbyes.
- Praise your child or young person’s positive behaviours to reinforce their success.
- Keep up other activities for your child or young person and the whole family wherever you can.
- Work with the school, collaborating to find solutions.
- Acknowledge what is and isn’t in your control and seek professional help for yourself and your child or young person.
- If you are experiencing school refusal or ongoing absence from school, reach out to the school to discuss the supports available.
How can the school support my family with school refusal?
- If your child hasn’t been attending and it is a struggle for them to get to school, please reach out to your school for support. We know it’s really tough on all involved and it’s hard for families to support their children on their own.
- Depending on the reasons, the school together with the Professional Support Staff team can help you access the appropriate support. This support may be provided from within the school or in the community.
- It is important to hear the voice of the young person, and the family to understand what is causing distress. This helps to identify the best support options.
- As well as support provided by the school, there are parent support groups on social media. The School Can’t Australia group is one of these. You may also find support through your GP (doctor) and referrals to specialist services.
- Remember, communication is key. Stay in communication with the school and help us to help you and your child or young person – we’re all in this together.
